oh my god.
And Then I Shot a Fairy Off My Porch…
My husband bought me the Sims: Supernatural- he does that… he’s considerate and loves making fun of the fact that Steam logs my hours played.
So… you can’t play on Steam yet so I had to download Origins and then re-download all my games and THEN download the updates for that game, take a multiple choice quiz, do some jumping jacks and then download Supernatural. So by the end of my weekend- I got to play.
I get overwhelmed in the Sims fairly easily so I stuck to a two person household- two sisters, a Fairy and a Werewolf. Because, hey, that seemed like a good sitcom. I focused on the fairy because the Werewolf’s first move was to go get herself stung by an ass load of bees and do an anger shift into her beast form and tear through the house, destroying all the furniture. I could tell she was going to be a handful, so I locked her in a basement.
Once I replaced the furniture, I got my Fairy working on her gardening and art- because that’s what fairies do, they’re great at that shit. I got myself a cute little garden with mushrooms, mandrake, and assorted veggies. I started her on a cooking spree as well- since I’d most likely have to spoon feed Hooch down in the cellar.
First full moon: wouldn’t you know it- my fairy was on a date… and since she’s a fairy it was one of “those” kinds of dates where she invited the guy in and just started romanticizing and trying to whoohoo. Whatever- I don’t judge.
So while Ms. Fae is getting her groove on with some hipster vampire, I notice that a zombie is hobbling towards the house. Not just any zombie… a fairy zombie… in a maid’s uniform. On any other game that might seem weird.
So I was like “hell yes, a ZOMBIE! I get to defend my house!” and I figure that the entertainment section of the buy mode HAS to have a shotgun… oh wait- this is the Sims… where you can impregnate your whole neighborhood but you can’t use any weapons (without mods which just screw my game up).
Okay no shotgun… so what’s this zombie up to? Surely she has a staggering purpose as she shambled over and… invaded my carefully planted garden! She just helps herself like a deranged rabbit… munching on all the shrooms she can get her greedy little mitts on. I tried to stop her, slap her, shove a fairy wand up her ass… but you couldn’t DO ANYTHING… not that I would have been able to because Fairy McF*ckerton was just screwing the vampire upstairs over and over… apparently the full moon gives her “bitch in heat” mode.
Then I thought- hey, I have a werewolf! So I let the banshee out of her cage in her full moon glory, expecting her to interact somehow… no… she goes upstairs and sniffs the vampire inappropriately before making some lame joke about body hair.
By now… the zombie has eaten all my plants and has managed to work her way onto my back porch where she sits down on my rocking chair for about an hour, gets up and then vomits all over the place. Really? There’s NO SHOTGUN? I wanted to shoot her in her stupid undead fairy face… I imagined it over and over… and the AUDACITY of her to be wearing a maid’s uniform!
To sum up… fairy zombie’s are not welcome on my porch… I will be getting the peashooter from the special edition and shoot the every living shit out of the next zombie who comes close.
Oh yeah, and my fairy is now pregnant with a vampire baby… I should write for True Blood.
